


coming untrue

by AslansCompass



Category: Star Wars Rebels
Genre: F/M, Gen, Season 4 Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-07
Updated: 2018-04-07
Packaged: 2019-03-29 18:51:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13933131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AslansCompass/pseuds/AslansCompass
Summary: Kanan Jarrus, once Caleb Dume, always knew he had to be ready for death. But no one taught him how to prepare for what comes afterwards. A companion piece to Lay Me Down, but can be read on its own.





	coming untrue

**Author's Note:**

> Title from The Return of the King:  
> “Gandalf! I thought you were dead! But then I thought I was dead myself. Is everything sad going to come untrue? What's happened to the world?"  
> "A great Shadow has departed," said Gandalf, and then he laughed and the sound was like music, or like water in a parched land; and as he listened the thought came to Sam that he had not heard laughter, the pure sound of merriment, for days upon days without count.

> It felt like he was taking a breath for the first time after being submerged for as long as he could bear, like waking to find the cold, dark night gone and a warm, new day begun, only it was far more beautiful and glorious.
> 
> _All My Holy Mountain,_ L.B. Graham

Caleb Dume died looking at Hera's face.  Call it imagination, call it a gift, call in the Force, call it what you will.  Even with the Bendu's teaching, not one day passed when he mistook Force vision for simple, ordinary, sight.  Hera was beautiful, no matter how he perceived her, but in that moment, he saw  _all_ of her.  From the tips of her lekku to her firm determination, he knew her completely.

There was still beauty in the universe, no matter what the Empire does. And he would do whatever it took to protect it.  He reached into the Force, shoving the ship away.  _Goodbye._

The explosion didn't hurt.  He'd been tightening his jaw and tensing his muscles, trying to get the crew clear. Heat slammed against his shield, trying to break through. Then, nothing. Silence. Peace.  

Darkness. Even without the Force, he could normally tell day from night, simply by the warmth on his skin, the humming insects, or the sounds of activity around the base.  None of those ordinary sensations applied. Even in a bacta tank, there were some indicators. But Kanan had no idea where he was. 

What am I doing here? He thought. What am  **I** doing here?  

>  There is no death, there is the Force.

That was what the code said.

It felt...alive. Like his earliest memories of the Temple,  like his too-brief bond with Master Billaba, like ....safety. Confidence that whatever came, the Force would be with him. No, more than that. He'd never been able to completely avoid the Force, even when the echoes of Order 66 burned like acid.  Kanan Jarrus had tried to wall himself off,  numbing the ache with every fermented beverage within reach.  Hera had begun draining those barriers. And when Ezra came...

Ezra.  Ezra had been there too, catching Hera as Kanan pushed them both away. Even without vision,  Kanan could imagine the shock in his padawan's eyes.  The same expression Caleb must have worn as Billaba was cut down.  

Kanan never expected to be on the other side of that experience.  He had known Jedi weren't invincible--too many reports made their way back to the Temple for that delusion to linger-- but the deaths had always been reported as military facts.  Those stories weren't told in the creche. And after--after-- he never imagined that he would be a Knight, much less a Master.  

>  There is no emotion, there is peace.

There was-- there was peace. He could think of Hera, he could still reach out to Ezra-- but it was one-sided, like broadcasting a holo with no one on the other end.  _I'm here,_ he tried to say, but stopped mid-thought.

Where was here, anyway?

He was dead. What was supposed to come next? 

Was anything supposed to come next?

It had been such a long time since lessons at the Temple. _One with the Force_ , he remembered, but the meditation mantra was disappointingly vague as a road map for an afterlife. Kanan reached out with the Force, but it was like seeking water in the ocean.  Thicker, perhaps. Full of unspecified potential.  No, not an ocean. More like... like a bacta tank. The soothing richness, the muted sensations.

It was lighter. Not warmer, but still lighter. Like a moonlit night on Lothal, rather than the total blackness of space. Kanan held up his hand.

A shadow fell across his face.

He could see. He closed his eyes and the world went dark again.  Opened, and the faintest trace of light could be seen. 

He was seeing again. 

How? After Maul's attack, he had met with every surgeon the Rebellion could offer. Every one had said the same thing: there was nothing to be done. Even if they had been on a Core World, even had all the resources of the Republic been available, nothing could be done. The bacta tank had cured any possible infection, but it couldn't heal him.

Bacta. Why did his thoughts keep coming back to bacta? He was, objectively speaking, dead. Whatever remained of him was beyond healing. Except--except--

_oh._  

Whatever this place was, it wasn't the end. It was a respite. A place of healing before being sent on. Perhaps, long ago, Jedi did simply dissolve into the Force, leaving no body behind. But that had been in days of peace, in days when death was welcomed as the next grand adventure, a drop of rain joining a river to the sea.  But now there was so much emotion, so much ignorance, so much chaos, that one couldn't join with the Force.  One had to be cleansed first

The loss of his eyes couldn't be healed. But what that loss had meant--pain, guilt, uncertainty-- those things were being washed away.  His fears for Ezra, his worries for Sabine, his concern for Hera--those would pass away. But the bonds would not.  

_I am well,_ he thought, hoping something of this peace would reach the others.  _I am well._


End file.
